


Honey, When I Look At You, All I See Is Pain

by Rara_Danvers



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, F/F, Heartbreak, Lena Luthor Character Study, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, angst up the butthole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rara_Danvers/pseuds/Rara_Danvers
Summary: They met on a Tuesday. Lena knows it was a Tuesday because that was the day they had their free period.ORLena remembers the times the two people she loved the most betrayed her.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Lena Luthor & Andrea Rojas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 97





	Honey, When I Look At You, All I See Is Pain

They met on a Tuesday. Lena knows it was a Tuesday because that was the day they had their free period.

Andrea had sat next to her, casually chatting as if they’d known each other for all their lives. It was strange,  _ she _ was strange. But her company was not unwelcomed. 

And so, a friendship developed. One with Andrea always confidently leading the way, and Lena always hesitantly tagging along. 

At first, she considered telling Mother about Andrea, about their friendship. However when the conversation of school came up during dinner one night when she was on break, Lena didn’t have the courage to steer the conversation away from her grades and towards the only person in the world she trusted as much as Lex.

“School isn’t a place to make friends,” Lilian remarks, wiping her mouth with her napkin. “Luthors do not have friends. Friends are a  _ distraction _ .”

The venom in her voice left no room for protest, and Lena had resigned to her place with a soft, “Yes, Mother.”

When she returns to school, Lena tells Andrea. The shorter girl cackles, doubling over, holding her stomach. “Did she really say that?” She asks, wiping tears from her eyes. 

Lena nods, biting her lip so as not to break out into laughter herself. “She thinks we’re too good to have other people around.”

Andrea clasps her hands together in prayer. “I have sinned! How could I ever believe I was ever worthy of your company, M’lady?” she pleads in a bad English accent with a wink.

Lena shoves her shoulder playfully. “Don’t be such a dork. You know I’d never listen to a thing my mother says.” 

Andrea gasps mockingly. “Lena Kieran Luthor! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that I, Andrea Rojas, was rubbing off on you!”

Lena blushes. “Of course you are! We spend every waking minute together, and you’re always getting me in trouble! One of these days you’re going to get us expelled!”

Andrea flops onto Lena’s bed, resting her head on her arm. “Would that really be such a bad thing?” she asks, staring intently into Lena’s eyes. “Think about it. We’d be free. Free to do what we want, go wherever we wanted to go, and just take on the world together. No adults, no rules, no expectations. Just us.”

“I...” Lena does consider it. She considers the freedom she’d have from being under her adoptive mother’s thumb, the watchful gaze of her enigmatic brother, and the drunken attention of her father. The thought of leaving it all behind made her heart flutter, but also made her stomach churn violently. 

Andrea must see the trepidation on her face, because the next thing Lena knows, the subject is dropped. “Don’t worry Lena, I was just joking. I’d never get us expelled. You know that.” She says, absentmindedly playing with Lena’s hair.

Lena nods, thankful. “Yeah,” she swallows, leaning her head into Andrea’s chest.

* * *

“Have you ever kissed a girl?”

“What?”

They’re splayed across Lena’s bed, listening to music on Andrea’s phone. Lena’s doing homework and Andrea is ‘helping’ by playing trash basketball with the reject paper.

Andrea turns to face her with a crooked grin, repeating the question. “Have you ever kissed a girl?” she reiterates slower, as if Lena’s answer was out of confusion and not shock.

“I haven’t even kissed a boy yet,” Lena says, suddenly finding her advanced calculus homework very interesting. They’d never really talked about these kinds of things before, despite Andrea’s supposed track record. A record that had yet to be seen, considering her reputation seemed to be just gossip Lena’s overheard in the girls bathroom.

“What, your mother says boys are a distraction?” Andrea raises a brow, and Lena blushes.

“No,” she responds indignantly. “I just...have no interest in focusing on that kind of stuff. Someday Lex is going to take over the company, and I want to prove to him that I’m worthy of ruling by his side.”

Andrea frowns at that. “That’s bullshit. You don’t need to prove to anyone you’re worthy of anything.”

“To you maybe, but to me, it’s the only way I can get my family to see that I’m more than a burden.” Lena’s response this time is softer and more resigned. 

Andrea sucks her teeth. “You need to stop living for other people. Live for yourself, Lena. Do the things that  _ you _ want to do.” she pokes a finger into Lena’s chest as she says this, further bringing home her point. “What do you want to do, Lena Luthor?”

Lena stares at her for a while, not exactly sure how to respond before taking Andrea’s face in her hands and pressing their lips together. It only registers that she’s kissing Andrea when she hears the other girl squeak. 

Embarrassed, Lena pushes herself away from her best friend. Her  _ only  _ friend. “Oh my god Andrea, I’m so sorry! I—I don’t know what came over—” she’s silenced by Andrea’s lips on hers again.

Andrea playfully bumps her forehead with her own. “Don’t apologize for doing the things you want to do.” she says, grinning.

Lena nods like a bobble head smiling like an idiot. “Yeah,” she says as Andrea kisses her once more. “Yeah.”

* * *

Things got awkward after that; she sits at the bench where they first met every free period she can in hopes that she’d see Andrea, her heart aching when the other girl never arrives. She’d denounce the whole thing in a split second if it meant having her best friend back.The last thing she wanted was to lose the only friend she had. Especially over one silly heated make out session.

Though, in retrospect there was something there that she couldn’t ignore. The way Andrea’s lips felt on hers, the way her stomach somersaulted as Andrea looked at her like she was the only other person in the world. No one’s even _ thought  _ about her like that, let alone look at her like it. It makes her feel nice. It makes her feel wanted.

It also makes her feel like she had made an awful, terrible mistake. Several days go by, and then several more. 

Still no Andrea. Lena was starting to believe that she had transferred out just so that she didn’t have to see her. Her stomach drops at the idea, but immediately leaps to her throat when she arrives at her dorm after class one day and sees Andrea leaning against the door.

Waiting for her.

“Andrea!” Lena haphazardly drops her bag and closes the distance between them, wrapping the shorter girl in a tight hug. “I thought—” Lena loses exactly what she was going to say when she sees that Andrea doesn’t share her sentimentality. “What’s—What’s wrong?”

Andrea doesn’t look at her as she pushes past. “We need to talk.”

Lena blinks. “Talk? Talk about what?”

“I heard some girls talking about you. About...us.” Andrea folds her arms.

“About us?” Lena’s still confused.

Andrea frowns. “Okay, can you not answer everything I’m saying with a question?”

Lena seems to collapse in on herself. “Sorry,” she says softly.

“It’s my fault,” Andrea says, subdued. She steps closer and puts an arm around her. “It’s because of the way I am. Everyone sees you hanging out with me and now they talk about you too.”

Lena shrugs. “People always talk about me anyway. I’m a Luthor after all. Besides, you know all that stuff is just mindless drivel anyway. It’s not like any of it is true.”

“Yeah, but, you know how emotional you can get. And what if this stuff gets back to your mom?” Andrea asks pointedly.

Lena rolls her eyes. “What exactly are they even saying? What could possibly be so bad that you’re freaking out? You’re one of the bravest people I know. Why do you care so much about this?”

“Because I’m scared. It’s always just been me. And now, I have to worry about you too. The world isn’t a nice place, Lena. People aren’t nice to people like us. We could be expelled. And then what? We go our separate ways and everything's okay? You know that’s not how it’s going to go.”

Lena winces because she knows  _ exactly  _ how it’s going to go. Her mother was a reputable donor and alumni of this school, and anything less of the perfection that was expected from Lena to uphold that image, would put an even harder strain on their tumultuous relationship.

“I’ll fix this.” she says, stepping past Andrea.

Andrea grabs her arm. “Hey, hey! What are you going to do?”

Lena stares at her a long while before saying, “What a Luthor does best.” 

The determination in her eyes said she wouldn’t be stopped, so Andrea acquiesces and releases her grip. “Okay, just don’t do anything you’ll regret. It was Veronica Sinclair and her friends, you can find them in the bathroom by the science hall. Be careful.”

Lena gives her a small smile, her eyes soft with a promise to return, then turns about and strides out of the room. Andrea sits down on the bed while worry and fear run rampant in her heart. 

The click clack of her shoes matches the rapid pace of her heartbeat; her mind analyses the coming confrontation like a game of chess, predicting every possible outcome and creating plans for each. Before she was even aware she stood before the girl’s bathroom, her battle plans laid out and ready for engagement. She bursts through the door without a second thought, the door swings back and hits the wall with a loud bang which brings the attention of three girls.

The three girls she was after. The three girls that threaten her happiness. The three girls who stare at her in utter bewilderment. It was at this moment that her carefully laid plans and counter plans evaporate into smoke, leaving her with only courage and bravado.  _ I fucked up. _

The girl in the middle shakes loose her confusion and sneers at Lena, “Hey, look who came to see us! How’s it going Lena, where’s that little bastard friend of yours?” Veronica grins at Lena’s discomfort.

The girl who flanks her right titters. “You know what they say. Birds of an illegitimate feather flock together.” 

Lena purses her lips as their conjoined laughter bounces off the walls. “I came to tell you to stop.”

“Oh?” Veronica asks, stepping towards her. “Stop what? What exactly have we been doing that made you decide to come marching in here like you own the place?”

Lena stands up straight, trying to use her height to her advantage. “You know exactly what I’m talking about,” she says, staring Veronica down. “If you don’t stop, I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” The teasing tone in Veronica’s voice is gone and the other girls flank her on each side, causing Lena to suddenly feel  _ very _ claustrophobic and  _ very _ small. “Tell Mommy? It’s not like she cares about you. You’re probably just a reminder of a broken marriage.”

Lena’s body reacts before her brain can, and it isn’t until her fist connects with Veronica’s face does she realize what she’s done. She’s bewildered, like a calf who’s just stood for the first time. 

The world seems to blend together after that. The sounds of the other girls gasps and shouts, Veronica clutching her now bloodied nose, and the thump in her chest that’s resonating in her ears. Adrenaline courses through her veins and for a short moment she doesn’t care what happens to her. In an almost drunken state she says, “Keep my name out of your mouth. Andrea’s as well.” 

She walks out of the bathroom without another word.

Andrea’s sitting on the bed chewing on her thumb when she gets back. Seeing her, all the tenseness in Lena’s body dissipates, and she lets out a long sigh. She sits next to her and lays her head on her shoulder. “We don’t have to worry about them anymore.” 

Andrea starts to speak but stops herself, knowing better to ask for details. The only thing that matters is that she is here, safe with her. Her arm wraps itself around Lena’s shoulders, gently pulling the girl closer. No words pass between the two, only silence and the warmth of their hearts beating together.

* * *

Years pass, and after school they grow apart but never lose sight of each other, eventually joining forces to brave the Costa Rican jungle in search of the medallion Lena and her mother held so dear. 

Their journey ends in failure, and Lena gets too caught up with Lex’s madness to attempt again. She moves in with Jack, a healing soul who has been her rock since this whole thing started it, and decides to accompany him to his conference. 

It’s there that she sees Andrea, standing there in a stunning neon pink cocktail dress, laughing at something someone had said.

“Andrea!”

The other woman turns to greet her, slightly cringing. “Lena! I-I didn’t know you were in London!”

Lena’s too transfixed on what was around her neck to respond. “Wait, what’s that?” she asks, her voice soft and on the verge of breaking. She hoped to every god in existence that that jewelry around Andrea’s neck wasn’t what she thought it was.

Andrea tentatively touches it, and with dread sitting in the pit of her stomach, Lena realizes that it is.

“I knew it,” she’s disgusted right now, angry, and sad. A whole flurry of emotions that are making her sick with each passing moment. “The medallion was there and you’re the one that took it even though you knew how much it meant to me—” she’s completely awestruck and hurt she doesn’t know what to do at this point. “Why?”

“Look, there are things that I couldn’t—” Andrea sighs. “That I  _ can’t _ tell you.”

“You looked me in the eye and you lied to me,” Lena’s voice is dark, accusing. “I trusted you, more than anyone in the world and you made a fool out of me. You know I expected this kind of betrayal from the Luthors but not you.” her voice is starting to crack and she’ll be damned if she cries here in front of all these people, in front of  _ her. _

“I needed you, Andrea. You have no idea what I’ve been through since we graduated.” Lena works her jaw. “What a monster Lex has become,”

“Lena, _ please—” _

“There’s nothing you can say,” Lena can see their entire relationship flashing before her eyes. “We’re done.”

She leaves Jack for National City, and meets a perky reporter named Kara Danvers. She seems like a nice woman, kind and caring with a hundred watt smile, but she wasn’t going to make that mistake again. 

She wasn’t going to let herself be hurt a second time. She wasn’t sure she would be able to handle it. So she closes herself off. Shuts herself in, builds the highest, toughest walls she can around her heart. But still somehow, _somehow_ Kara Danvers wriggles her way into her heart, getting her to open up and feel things once again.

Gave her friends, a purpose, and even a reason to be better than she ever was. All of it. Ripped right from under her within a matter of seconds. For the second time. She was beginning to think that her life was one constant running joke for everyone but her.

_ “I killed my brother for you! For our friends, don’t you understand what you’ve done?!” _

She’s back in the present now. Kara’s sobs make her hesitate, make her reevaluate her stance on the whole thing, but then she remembers everything that’s happened to her up until this point. Every little micro aggression as Supergirl, every moment she had a chance to tell her and chose not to. Every moment Kara  _ chose _ to be just like the others.

To  _ hurt _ her like the others. 

The similarities between Andrea and Kara, between the two women she loved dearly, were too much to bear. They had both came bounding into her life at a time of vulnerability, changed her world for the better, then shattered it beneath their feet for their own selfish reasons.

And then she remembered what she said to Andrea a few days ago, something that applied to both her and Kara.

_ Honey, when I look at you, all I see is pain. _


End file.
